I’m tired, boss.
Still image from my 757 Curate feature in 2025.
On a personal note, I wanted to take a minute and talk about how I’ve been feeling lately about my art practice and life in general. I’m finally starting to feel well-rested after finishing work for my solo at MOCA Arlington. That show was installed over a month ago, and it took me weeks to no longer feel exhausted every morning! I’ll be celebrating my 50th birthday this December and I am definitely aware of how my brain and body are reacting to the very physically demanding parts of being an artist.
The last piece I worked on, Liberté, Égalité, Fragilité, differed from other capiz quilts in that I wanted to take advantage of the translucence of the materials. I couldn’t just sew the squares together continuously because I didn’t want the shadow of the thread to show through. That meant that I had to sew the little “x” that joined four of the squares, and then tie and snip it off on the back. That meant that I had to tie 120 knots on each panel, which equaled 480 knots tied. (The stitches around the edge were continuous, thankfully!) What I didn’t anticipate was how much that would end up hurting my hands. It was kind of scary because I woke up every day with my hands hurting. I could barely wash dishes without dropping them in the sink. At one point, I was distraught that I couldn’t even open a bottle of Gatorade. You should have seen the puppy-dog eyes I aimed at my husband. I really wanted that Gatorade.
So clearly, my body was telling me I needed to rest. That was so. very. hard. For all the lazy sitting around that I do, I don’t do well just sitting around. Even when I’m not making art, I’m usually thinking about it, doing a lot of mental gymnastics, or working on other administrative projects. The day after I dropped off my work in Arlington, I forced myself to lay in bed and rest as much as possible. I actually got annoyed with myself for both wanting to rest and hating it at the same time. Lately, I’ve had days where I didn’t know what to do with myself because I no longer have a deadline. The MOCA Arlington show was the last commitment I had this year - by design. I’ve had three solo shows this year alone and it’s only August! I knew I needed to take a break from exhibiting for a while.
I’m still feeling unfocused and unmoored. It’s unsettling.
It’s difficult to be a parent and working artist. I’m so very tired. I honestly don’t think I’ve fully recovered from the Pandemic - I wonder how many others feel the same. On top of that, I’ve been dealing with some serious, ongoing health issues in my family that have just stripped me to the bone. It’s been challenging to hold onto the momentum I started to build in 2022-23 when I started showing this new work. It has meant absolutely everything to me, but I also love my family too much, and if a ball has to be dropped, it’s going to be art. There’s a great analogy about plastic balls vs. glass balls that you can read about here.
So here I am typing. Working on my website. Ten tabs open on my Chromebook. Probably double that many open in my head. I still haven’t figured out how to have a more predictable, reliable schedule. Is that possible as an artist? I think so because I’ve talked to other artists whose schedules make me feel like I haven’t even really grown up yet. It’s difficult to plan ahead when you’re applying for shows and residencies but you have no idea if you’ll win any of them. It’s also difficult to have consistent studio hours when you’re still raising your kids and have the attention span of a goldfish. I’m also really great at procrastinating whenever I have an art deadline. I suspect that doesn’t help. Anyway, the plan is to spend the rest of 2026 and at least half of 2027 NOT applying for shows. I’ll be spending more quality time with my family and developing a new body of work. Wish me luck.
